This post may be all over the place..My heart is breaking as I type this..but I have to get it off my chest.I have been sick since Friday evening,almost 5 days now..On Saturday I literally got through the stall by gulping painkillers and by Saturday evening,I was sick to the extent of being delirious..I slept and slept,waking up to take pain-killers..and meds. Sometime in between,all that,I nursed Anan and put her to bed.Both the girls snuggled up with me..we went to bed.I didn’t want to feed her with so many meds in my body,so all through the night,whenever she asked for a feed,I just gave her water.
The next morning I was worse,and have more drugs in my body than food..so,I tried to keep her away..and she cried..and cried her little heart out.I held her,holding my tears back-she clung to me,crying her heart out.We dozed off most of the day just holding each other.
She still refused cow’s milk.But she ate her lunch and dinner properly.
Through out the day,she made me sit in our usual nursing spots and asked,for dudu..and every-time I told her dudu finished,her face fell.She then pointed at my face,cheeks,nose and asked,dudu? Gosh!She breaks my heart with her cuteness.
Today was day three of no feeding,she drank a little milk from her sippy cup today and I put snuggled up with her to put her to sleep. And since then,I can’t stop crying.. my baby is growing up..I want to nurse her one last time..just to see that happy content look on her face.I will so miss seeing her cheeks turn pink,after nursing..and just thinking about it,brings on fresh tears.
I wish she would stop asking ..I wish she would insist on being fed.. I wish I didn’t have to be sensible and just give into her..I wish..it wasn’t so hard.Last time round was bad..but it was good in the way that it was hard just for me,to let go..This time,its really really really hard..If I were to pick my hardest moment of motherhood,till date..it would be this,without a doubt.
Fingers crossed that..it gets easier..from here on..:(
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